Dear Asshole,

Dear Asshole,

Stop posting pictures of your food on Facebook.  No one gives a fuck what you are eating for dinner.  Honestly, it doesn’t look that good.  Following a recipe does not make you a chef.  Anyone can make pecan encrusted chicken with lemon herb asparagus.  It’s really not that hard.  If it was hard, you wouldn’t have been able to make it because you are a fucking idiot.

Seriously, think about it for a second.  What is the point of posting your food online.  Am I supposed to be jealous that you didn’t burn Paula Dean’s casserole recipe?  Well joke’s on you dick cheese, because my Ellio’s Pizza requires me to do zero dishes and cost about 3% of the price you paid for your homemade masterpiece.

Take it from a guy who fakes chefing for a living.  You suck at it.  You can’t cook.  Your plate is ugly.  Everything you do pisses me off.  If you knew half a fucking thing about cooking, or photography, you would know that your food looks like piss and it doesn’t belong on Facebook.  You are an asshole.

Dear Asshole,

The high socks and shorts look is fucking retarded.  Who told you that looked good?  No one with a brain.  I’ve never met a smart person that wears high socks and shorts.  I’ve found that, generally, people who wear high socks and shorts are the same people that think it’s cool to act take advantage of drunk chicks and beat women.

There is one set rule between every single asshole that wears high socks with shorts.  Every single one of you says, “I did it before everyone else was doing it”.  That is bullshit.  Because you know who did it first?  My Grandpa.  And he looked like a fucking fool.  But as big of a goofball Grandpa look, he wasn’t a cock.  And you sir, are a cock.

There is also a high probability that you are a Lax Bro.  Which if true, please go kill yourself, as there is no saving you.  Find a tall building and hurl yourself off.  Put on your highest pair of socks, laxiest shorts, your hipster bball jersey, backwards trucker hat, your hemp necklace, pop your O.A.R. cd into your Jeep Wrangler, and drive off a cliff…because you are an asshole.

Dear Asshole,

Cut your fucking hair Mr. Too Cool For School High School Kid.  Seriously…cut it.  You look like a goddamn clown.  Was hobo the look you were going for when you decided to go three years without cutting it?  I’m sure I did some pretty stupid things when I was your age, but I honestly thank Jesus everyday that looking like a fucking slob was not in style when I was in high school.

The thing I truly don’t understand about your cockhead hairstyle is the fact that the people with the longest, most homeless looking hair are often the people that have the most money at their disposal to get their hair cut.  Congratulations, mommy and daddy bought you an Escalade, now spend $12.00 at Great Clips and make yourself look presentable.

Long hair appears to have become your generation’s popped collar.  You know who pops their collar?  Douche bags.  In the history of collars, never has one been ‘popped’ by a non-douche bag.  I know that’s a double negative, but you can go fuck yourself.  Cut your hair.  You’re an asshole.